Attitudes and Feelings
by Yuriko Makimashi
Summary: After Shishio's battle Aoshi lives Misao for 5 years, now came back ready to tell her how he really feels for her, but he finds a really cold Misao..What happend to the cheerful Misao? What changed her? What would do Aoshi to bring his old Misao?RR!
1. The Reencounter and the Changes

Author's Notes: Hi there. This is Yuriko, nice to meet ya all  ^-^ . This is my first English fic, but don't worry, I assure you I'm gonna do my best XD  . And I sure as hell I'm planning to finish it. Wonder why? 'Coz this fic is dedicated to my friend Mayaya, known in the ff.net as Mayaya Green. Oh, that's right, Masha, ^o^ this one goes for you!. A humble show of gratitude for all your being here and friendship. (Plus, you gave me the idea for this plot ^.~) Arigato!  ^-^

Hope you guys like it! Go ahead and enjoy! XD

Oops, almost forgot This is from Aoshi's POV, though be prepare for some comments in ( ) , which will belong to the authoress. Yeap, that's me. And don't forget to leave your review *_____*, onegai!!!

Disclaimer: Yes, yes, as much as it hurts to admit it, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Watsuki-sama does. ( Ave Oh Genius!) 

Translator's Notes: Well, as you all read before, this fic is by Yuriko, great friend of mine, and I have the pleasure to do the translation here. In case anyone is wondering, this comes from the Spanish version "Actitudes y Sentimientos", also archived here in the ffnet. under Yuriko's profile. 

On with the fic!

**"Attitudes and Feelings" **

**Part One: The Reencounter and the Changes**

Aoshi's POV:

'Misao… how long has it been, since I don't see you? Yes… I remember now, it's been 5 years. Five years since I left, leaving you behind in the Aoiya… leaving you once again… under the care of old Okina…how unfortunately sad is what I've heard… that he died 2 years after I left…'

'It must have hurt you greatly… he was practically your father, he took care of you since the first time I left you. I wish I could have been there to comfort you, to say the last farewell to my… .friend, almost sensei, but now… now it's too late to regret it……………..'

'Misao, how much I crave to see you, I really want to see you again. When I left five years ago, after the battle against Sishio, I thought… I was completely sure of my reason to take the leave…. I wanted to…. to run away from you….  but after all this time, after all this time of meditation and of wandering, I found myself with the same empty hands. There's such a void, eating me alive from beneath. Something I refused to see, but now the fold has fallen from my eyes, and I can see that the reason of such sudden decision was a mere whim on my pride, a mere fear that dominated me so incredibly strong, even if I didn't understand it back them. I only meant to run from your glance, such tender deep glance, because I considered myself so unworthy of your eyes…………………….'

'And so I fled, vowing to come back only when I was good enough to look up at you. Such absurdity, in my haste to save you pain, I was blind to see that I only caused you more pain. Again, and without wanting it, I hurt your feelings one more time….. I am so sorry…….you can't imagine how sorry I am………………..' 

'I'm on my way to the Aoiya in this same instant. I visited many places all over Japan, and now, I'm coming back to tell you what I have discovered. A truth that has always lived inside of me, but that only now I have faced. I'm coming back home to tell you how I feel for you, without boundaries and without reserve, ready to put my heart in your hands…. just as I should have done so long ago……………' 

'The Aoiya looks just the same as it did when I left. I still don't know how to face you this time…. Yes, I guess I'm nervous…. I'm entering through the front gate now……………the place is crowded, people scattered around, voices mingling with other subtle noises my trained hearing catches, but I don't pay attention to them…….  I spot Okon and Omasu, taking orders from the clients………..No one bothers to give me a second look, probably because my onni garments are hidden by the traveler cap around my body…. my hair has grown slightly, and maybe they won't recognize me in the first look………………' 

'It's all for the better, though. I don't want to stop and talk with anyone else… Right now, I only want to see you, Misao…………..'

-Omasu: "Welcome to the Aoiya, Kyoto's finest restaurant. I'm sorry to tell you that I don't have an available table in this moment, but if you are so kind and please wait for a while, I'm sure one table—"

Omasu smiles as per usual, kind and gentle, and she looks at me with that little smile of hers, at the time she looks fairly embarrassed by the situation………….I decide to speak plainly. 

"Omasu, where's Misao?" – I ask directly. We'll have time for a talk later. Misao is the only one who really matters to me…….

-Omasu: A…..A……Aoshi-sama? Is that you?" 

She looks at me with such a disbelieving expression, staring straight to my face and trying and match my looks with a former memory. She even stutters as she makes her guess about the 'stranger's identity'…….

"Yes, it's me. Shinomori Aoshi. Now, please tell me where Misao is" 

How…. odd. Omasu just …….averted her eyes from mine, lowering her face…………..I don't understand her reaction.

-"Is she in her room? Answer me……………"

I have decided that I don't like her reaction at all. I can see it so openly, the way she tries to hide something from me. And well, right now, I don't find myself being the most patient person. 

-"Tell me! Where is Misao? Why won't you asnwer me…….."

In an impulse I grab her wrist, not holding tightly of course, I just want to make it clear that I need an answer NOW. But, why won't she tell me, damnit? There's a sudden thought flashing through my mind, something that tells me this is definitely wrong…………

-"Aoshi-san… it's just that… that… Misao-san……………."

Omasu lowers her face again. Why won't she look into my eyes? And what's with the formal treating for Misao? I had never heard her name wearing a –san ……….. I release her wrist and start to move. Enough time already. 

"If you won't tell me, I'll just go look for her on my own…"- I answer somewhat coldly, as I make my way around her. Why doesn't she talk to me? Do the Onniwabanshu still blame my betrayal? Do they hate me? Or… Has something wrong happened to Misao?......  No, I don't think so. News are easily dispersed, I would have heard something………….

I walk across the restaurant's main room, exit through the wooden doors in the back of the kitchen, earning some curious glances from some assistants, that I don't bother to return…  The narrow path of carved stones takes me right into the dojo, and my steps turn just a little faster as I walk straight to her room upstairs. 

I am now right in front her tobira, and nothing but silence greets me from my surroundings. Something in the recesses of my mind points out that the dojo had never been so……utterly quiet. 

I slip the door open, while my heart is thundering in my ears…………..       

-"Misao?"

I take a look around the room, which is dark and almost lurid, lacking the flowers and little hanging branches of sakuras or chrysanthemums that I remembered from the past. I open wide the tobira in order to let some light slip in…………..

-"Who is it? I think I gave explicit orders of not coming in here………….."

That voice…… Is that… Misao's voice? 

It sounds so…  cold and distant… I can understand that many years have passed by, and that she surely isn't the tomboy brunette I knew, but I had never heard that tone of voice from her……………… 

-"This will be the last time I repeat. Who is it? If you don't have a good reason to stay here, then go away and close the darn door" 

No, it can't be her. The Misao I knew isn't like that……………..

-"Mi..sao?..."

I repeat, stuttering without me intending it so. It can't be her….  I don't her to be………….

 -"Well, well, I can see that I am the one in disadvantage here. You already know who I am, but I don't know who you are………………."

I know the voice comes from one of the dark corners of the room, for the silhouette I can see sitting there………..but in just a second……..it's……….it's gone?! Where is she?  

"Fine then. This is your last chance to spit out your name and tell me what is it that you want here"

I'm somewhat shocked to feel the cold blade of a sharp kunai practically cutting the skin of my neck. A slender, pale arm holds the offending object. Now I know she is standing at my right, hidden by the narrow shadow the tobira projects….but…..when did she get there? Has she become faster, or is it the shock of this encounter that has disturbed my senses? Whatever it is, if this person is Misao……she is definitely not the same young onni I left here………I don't like the stoned tone of her voice, neither I like the cold and ruthless advances……..what has happened to Misao?  

-"I won't be able to answer you if…………" –I move my head, trying to escape from the kunai's blade, but the sharp piece of shinning metal stays deadly close- "…….if I can cut myself while…….doing it…………"  

The onni weapon lowers mere inches from my skin, just enough for me to speak without threats. 

I still haven't seen her. She's still hidden behind the tobira and the shadows. I barely see her arm, covered in a black glove, which runs from her elbow, along her wrist and even covering half of her fingers.   

-"Well? I'm still waiting. I am sorry to inform you…..I'm not a patient person………….."

She gives a flick of her wrist, the kunai moving gracefully among her gloved fingers, looking even more dangerous when the faint sunbeams are caught on the metal surface……………..

"I …..am …..Shinomori Aoshi…………." 

I don't understand this. Am I……frightened? Is that it? Am I afraid of the possibility that she won't remember me? Or am I afraid of the fact that she won't want to see me ever again? 

Finally, I caught some movement. The hand holding the kunai stays put, but another arm darts out, holding the tobira and pushing it ever so slightly, and I see her face coming out the darkness…….Her hair……..the color of her hair and the color of her eyes……is the same. She is Misao…..but the glance those eyes hold……….is incredibly………..strange. I can't see the mischievous shimmer, or the tenderness that her eyes possessed the last time I saw her……now they are……almost dead. The depths of her eyes are dull and distant, a faint sense of threat and warning in them……..Somehow I find them familiar…….but not in her, they don't remind me her own eyes, they remind me……………..

My own eyes, back then, when I lost the direction of my life….I used to have that glance. What is that glance doing in her eyes?

She watches me quietly, intensely. And I still can only see her face. 

A couple of seconds later, she lowers the kunai completely, eyelashes descending to shield the dark green depths for a moment as she steps into vision in front of me………………

-"So……Aoshi-SAN, what brings you here to this humble dojo, after traveling around the whole wide Japan?" 

Her words are sarcastic and cutting. But at least I can look at her now…………..

(Misao wears an onni suit, new onni garments. The upper part is practically the same, the neck and the shoulder stripes that light blue tone, and the rest of the gi's fabric that deep blue that serves her for hiding among shadows. But the wide and long ribbon that went around her waist is not pink anymore, it's now black, and goes around her abdomen as well, her more grown up figure now plain at sight. She is not the skinny little girl everyone teased back then. She's come to be a stunning young woman, slender and graceful. That same black ribbon falls along her back, billowing around her and ending just upon the back of her knees. As in her former appearance, the hem of her gi goes past down the waist ribbon, but now instead of the tomboy short pants, she wears a short skirt in that dark blue shadow, with two long, fine cuts at each of the sides. The skirt has a side longer than the other. 

And the stripes that encased her legs and feet are now black, matching with the dark gloves and the waist ribbon. 

Her hair is no longer held in the usual single braid. Now she wears it down, and it flows around her, caressing her thighs and reaching her knees too. There's a thin braid resting in her right shoulder. )

-"Well?" –she says after a moment, waiting for my answer without sporting any particular expression on her face and eyes. She just looks at me like if she didn't mind my being here at all……………

-"I've………come because……..I …..wanted to see you……….." 

 I manage to say, still slightly surprised for her new looks. She has grown up fairly much and become a beautiful woman. But her lack of expressions and new appearance, the way she talks and intimidates me, the sarcastic and dry tone of voice……………..

I don't get it. What happened to the Misao I saw that last time…………  

-"Oh, fine then. You saw me now, ne? You can leave now………….." 

And without another word, she pulled the tobira and snapped it close, not giving me time at all to do any explaining or tell her anything…………………….

To say that I am confused is an understatement. I'm…..baffled. Why this change? Everything is different……………

I continue standing there, outside her room. I'd like to go in there and talk to her, make her listen to me……..but what can I tell her? I thought I had planned it all, everything I would say and do, but all my plans were based on the Misao I remembered, not this new person I just met………   

-"Don't stay there standing like a fool. If you got nothing else to do around here, take your leave……………"   

Her voice comes from inside in a rude manner……..but yes, she's right. I won't gain anything by just remaining here without knowing what's going on……and it's clear as the day she won't explain me. I better go back to Omasu, she has always been closer to Misao, she surely knows what's happening. 

And I must do something to turn things around. 

Misao…………what has happened to you? 

To Be Continued…………..

A/N: don't worry, it won't be as long as the first note ^^UU . I just wanted to remind you that any question, comment, can throwing or anything can be made at my mail. And of course, please leave a very much needed and craved review XD  . Thanks! Be sure to drop by soon to catch the 2nd chapter! ^.~. ah! XD thanks a lot to Shinigami's Voice and Tanuki (jo-chan for the translation! ^-^


	2. The Beginning of the Change

**Author's Notes:** Thanks to all the pretty people who reviewed, you're mostly kind! Luv ya all! As promised, here's chapter 2, and the rest it's on their way! 

If you can speak/read Spanish, it would be a bonus, ya know, 'coz then you could go to my profile and read this same fic there, specially 'cause it's far more advanced there. Anyway, get comfortable and enjoy!! 

Disclaimer: Yare yare, I don't own. Didn't I say this in the first chapter? Ya people know.  

**"Attitudes and Feelings" **

**Chapter Two: The Beginning of the Change.  **

Misao's POV:

"So, Shinomori Aoshi, after all this time, you're back……………after all this time, when it's too late…………….." 

I murmur the words aloud, the sarcastic tone still lingering in my voice, as I lean back against the room wall, against the right further corner when the light doesn't reach even if the tobira is open. 

"You wanted to see me, ne? You wanted to talk to me? What a surprise" –I snort- "After these 5 years of absence, the former onni okashira decides to come back…………."   

My voice is laced with sarcasm…………am I upset because of this? Because I have seen him again?   

I wound my arms around my bent legs, resting my head against my knees…………why do I feel this way? Why do I feel………disturbed? I somehow had made up my mind that I would never, never see him again………….

"Ha, and that's right! He's the former okashira, and I am the onniwabanshu's okashira now………"

I bring my knees closer to my chest……………..why do these feelings flutter inside me? The Shinomori Aoshi I just saw doesn't mean anything to me. I decided it would be so a long, long time ago. And damn but I'll stand firm!!

I think I feel this way not because of my seeing him again, or because of the way I treated him. I think it was because I resisted the urge of connecting a punch across his face………… 

"But it seems you're not the same of before. Seems like your 'short trip' made you good. What a pity it had the opposite effect on me………..ha! the irony of it! Who would have thought, the Ice Man finally melted……………"

I contain the soft laughter and I release my legs, sliding down the wall and coming to a sitting position with my legs folded under me, and lower my voice. It's been a long time since I don't laugh, and I don't want people thinking I am softening. 

"Shinomori, you're a complete fool if you think you'll have a chance with me again. The stupid little Misao who fell in love with you has gone. You treated her badly, cruelly, and made her vanish…………." 

**~**** ¤ ~ Flash back ~ ¤ ~**

I looked for you during such a long time, my Aoshi-sama, and I went through so much sadness and distress when I finally found you, but found you so changed. You weren't the same Aoshi I met when I was a child. I remember with sadness and horror that day when old Okina faced you in that abandoned hut on the hill. I remember your cold eyes, filled with hatred, and thirsty of blood. I saw them when you walked away, leaving behind a baldy injured Okina. But even after seeing that, I still loved you and when I heard those words, when I heard that Himura had to kill you in battle………it was so……….hard for me………….and so painful………………..that I even……..I even cried……….when I had promised I would be strong…………

But when I saw you again, alive, and back home. And your eyes had lost the glance of the killer. It made my joy return, and my hope breath again. I hope that one day, I would be allowed to be by your side………..not like the child, not like the tomboy girl, but something more…………….

That's why I find myself firmly decided, and ready to tell you everything I feel for you. All about the love that threatens to drown me when I think of you. How much I love you……………i don't want you to go again, i don't want to force down these feelings, and lock them in that little box again. Sometimes I feel like it will come the day when my soul will burst of so many trapped things. 

That's why now, even if I'm trembling with nervousness and speculations about your answer, I am decided to finally confess. It's been a month since you came back home from the Sishio's battle, a month of healing for you, a month of hiding myself in the shadows, just to steal glimpses of your face, of your meditating hours. I just want to assure myself you're real………. 

You're coldness has lessened, but still you're withdrawn and quiet. You only stay at the temple in meditation, or stay in your room, not wanting to be disturbed. It's not exactly what I was hoping, though. I thought that when you finally found the peace you were looking for through your redemption, you would be more open, more expressive? But, there's that saying, that you not always get what you want, ne? There's nothing said about not fighting for it, right?    

And so, winning your heart has become my new battle. 

I walk towards your room, I have carefully planned what I will say to you. I am nervous and my hands are sweating, but I'll be firm and won't back off………….

"Offfffff………easy, Misao, calm down, everything will work out, you'll see……….."

I tell myself while I take deep breaths to calm my jittering nerves, but the closer I get, the more I tremble………….

"Okay, here we go. You stay calm and try hard not to screw things with your big mouth……………."

I muse to my inner self again, and then I found myself standing in front of his door, ready to call. 

"Aoshi-sama? May I come in?"

I ask, as natural as I manage, though it took me two tries to get my voice past my lips. I wait impatiently until he answers from inside. Of course he only took a scarce three seconds to reply, but I am gir—woman in love, for us the seconds can be like hours………

"You can come in………"

Well, he didn't sound that much excited, but anyway, that's the way he always sounds. I won't be bothered by it. I slip open the tobira, lean in my head just to spot him in the confines of his room. He is sitting in the back of the room, facing the wall and not me. I step inside and close the tobira behind me.  

"I'm sorry to disturb you….." 

I step shyly closer to him……..

"It's no problem at all……….."

(He turns completely without standing up, now sitting in front of Misao.) 

He looks at me like nothing is really happening, as he inclines his head, signaling for me to sit down. I do it, while I twitch my hands in my lap, now becoming more nervous with him in front of me. I lower my eyes for an instant, just to raise it again and find his eyes locked with mine………..ahhhhhhhhhh! What's wrong with me?! Why can't I speak a word? Just looking at him, and I'm petrified.   

"Do you need something?" 

He looks at me without any real expression, nor curiosity or oddness for my coming into his room like this.  

"Well, I…………..I wanted to talk to you………ab-about something really important"

I hold my hands with trepidation, as if that little gesture could scare the nervousness, gathering my courage and trying not to stutter again……..

"Well?" 

He prompts, but the words wont' come out, I even forgot the planned words I had ready. Now the only thing left to do is being spontaneous. Come on, Misao, that's exactly your strong point. At least he's speaking, and that's something. You must say it!

"Well, Aoshi-sama, I want……..you know, I …………and you………..and I……"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!! Why can't I stop stuttering? Surely I look like a fool now, I'm talking nonsense here! No, Misao, stop this! There won't be another chance, this has to be the one! Don't wait for tomorrow, it could too late! Courage, and lets do this! Don't let him intimidate you, you can do it!! 

That served as my prep talk, I know. 

He only stared blankly at me, as if waiting to listen something reasonable came out of my mouth, while I continued shifting my glance downwards and upwards. There's something in his eyes, something almost alluring, that seems to pull me in, such a deep color, that makes me even more nervous, and I feel my whole body shiver ever so slightly. 

Okay, enough musing. Time to take matters in my hands.  

"Eerrr….Aoshi-sama, I can't begin to tell you how happy I am because you are here with us, you know? I remember when I was a child, and just how happy I felt staying with you, with the onnis, and now………I feel that same happiness…………well, not really, I may even be happier………….You know that I looked for you a long time because, you know that I ….that I ca-care………..and well, I was also so worried thinking of you and everything you went through, specially when you returned to the Aoia after that terrible battle……………." 

His eyes, his gorgeous eyes only continue gazing at me, and I can't see not the most minimal interest nor in his glance or his attitude. He listens carefully, maybe because he's interested in my words but hiding it? Or maybe because he's only waiting for me to shut up and go away? Or he is expecting some supportive words from me, wishing him well and a soon recuperation?   

Still, I think I'm not doing it all that bad, ne ? I better keep focused and continue. Onwards I went. 

"You know that………that I have come to be……very fond of you………..like no one before………I mean, I love old Okina, and Okon, Omasu and the rest of the guys too……………but I love them as………as the family I don't remember having………………."

What was that? Did I just see the slightest of the flicks in Aoshi's eyes? Yes, his eyes widened a mere fraction……………I think he finally deciphered what this is all about……………Come on, Misao, just a little bit more………………

"But what I feel for you is………..different………….a different kind of affection…………" 

All of a sudden I move closer to him, almost bumping my knees with his, gathering my wits about me and daring my hands to extend forward and take hold of his own hands. My face feels indescribably warm, surely I am sporting the most scandalous blush, almost near to spontaneous combustion, but I can't help it……………He now looks at me with this rare surprised expression, but remained silent.     

"Aoshi-sama……….I love you………." 

I said in almost a whisper, feeling like my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I now stared right into his eyes, the way I hadn't been able to do it before. My heart kept pounding faster and faster. And the silent seconds continued to tick away time. 

I wanted an answer from him! I needed an answer from him!!  

"Aoshi-sama, I really love you………you can't imagine how much I love you……….."    

I can't hold anymore and let myself wrap around him, hugging him as if it won't be a tomorrow ahead of us, trying and transmit all my love through that gesture, all the hopes I hold, all the illusion my heart holds inside, my incredible strong yearnings to hug him like this since long time ago……….. 

**~**** ¤ ~ End Flash back~ ¤ ~ **

And what did you do right after that, Shinomori? You turned away, rejected me, coldly and cruelly. You didn't even say a word, only took hold of my arms and pushed me away. Without giving me second glance, without a stupid word. Nothing at all. As if I was not a living being pouring her stupid childish heart at your feet. You stood up and left the room. 

I called after you, even before you crossed the damned door, but you didn't turn back neither said anything. You just walked away.

And I thought my heart would break. No, no. My heart broke, shattered into million slithers. You don't know how much you hurt me. 

I didn't want to hear anything, or know anything, or acknowledge anything. I just sat there and cried. Cried until I felt like my eyes would dry. Cried until I felt that remaining in that room was just unbearable, and I fled to my own room. And that fool child of me broke into cries again, until it was too much and fell asleep. I didn't leave my room all day long, didn't eat a single thing. 

And just to rub salt in the wound, I woke up the following day to the news, that you had left the Aoia without telling anyone where you were headed, or why. You just took your twin swords and the most necessary things, which meant you weren't thinking of coming back any time soon. 

But five years? It was way too long. 

And still, you come back, expecting me to fall over heels for you, into your arms? 

You can't get more stupid. Go back to the reality, Shinomori, it's time for you to open your eyes. And feel just a bit of the things I felt. It won't be pretty, I assure you that. Maybe this way you will learn to never play with someone's feelings………….never.     

To Be Continued. 

**A/N:** So, how is it? Please leave a review!!!! As the story unfolds, I'll be switching POVs, alternating them from Misao's to Aoshi's, so you can get a glimpse of both their thoughts. That way you can judge things fair and square. I hope you're enjoying this fic. Sorry for the long time in the updating. Work and study somehow manage to steal my time, but I'll continue writing as long as you give me some encouragement. I've got surprises for you!!!! And don't forget to feel free of mailing me, if you feel like it. Please? Onegai? That's it, yes, leave a review too!!!! Thanks a lot. 

**Translator's Notes:** Okay, if we're going to be fair, i've got to admit my own share of fault here for the long lapse of time between postings. Yuriko, the authoress, is writing the 6th chapter right now (in Spanish) and it's been kind of my fault here not to translate as fast as I wish I could. Just as she said, work and studies have the power to keep us damn busy. So, any can or vegetable's throwing can be made at me, Shin's Voice. (My, Yuriko, what a noble buddy you got here, it sounds like I'm applying to sainthood or something. Gee, the God of Dead is not this mushy, but I'm making an exception here, only 'coz it's you) 


End file.
